My Mind the Volcano

So I finally got the courage to start writing again and while I was on a roll I thought I might as well just keep going…. But I’ll be real 2 blog posts in one week is a record for me not a habit ha ha ha ha…and for this post I suggest you get coffee and cake cause there is a whole load of emotional unpacking in this one post so be warned..!!!

The last 2 weeks have kind of all just been a blur, you know like you just go day to day like a robot, I keep questioning what’s my purpose, what am I meant to be doing with my life..? Really I have been in the same spot for 5 years and What really do I have to show for it… Yes three beautiful children I know but what else you know, surely a little more would be nice…I went for dinner the other day with a group of friends who are all successful women in their own right and I sat there thinking what can I add to this conversation of substance… One holds people’s lives in her hands daily, the others are all in corporate, some off traveling the world on business… The conversations were exciting, it was stimulating… I just sat there and thought mmmhhh maybe I could talk about how Cianna finally said poo when she pooed in her nappy and how happy that made me but that kinda doesn’t sound the same as when I went to Germany I saw ?????? Their lives just sound exciting like they doing something, you know something.. My one friends sister who is uni designed an app how cool is that, thats what am talking about doing something… My quickest defense in these situations  is just to use humor it deflects most of my insecurities but in that moment I wanted to have something more…..Its not all work yes we talk about our kids too and sometimes that can be worse.. My one mom friend her kids the eat vegetables… Really fantastic jobs aside a mom that can get their kids to eat vegetables is like a real life hero in my books, my kids they survive on fresh air and love and bread and butter and vitamins… Their eyes have allergies to vegetables they can’t even look at them ?????? I almost want to pay this mom to feed my kids every day ??? Then I feel worse like with all your creativity Marcia you can’t find a way to make a vegetable fun, the truth ,however, is I don’t have enough strength in me for vegetable battles ?‍♀️?‍♀️

I know I know that staying at home is an important role too but it doesn’t always feel so fulfilling… I mean if am honest I question a lot of the time the way I raise my kids, there are days I actually worry I could be emotionally scaring my kids… Will they actually grow up to be decent human beings, some days I am not sure.. Some days I feel am breeding a mini army of egocentrics?????? Take this for example kid 1 she lacks any emotional attachment and is very self centered, her sister can be crying her eyes out, even bleeding half to death and she does not budge, her eyes stay glued to the tv, she is in her own world… The most if am lucky would be mom come fix your child something is wrong then back to watching tv she would go ????? But if she was the one hurt ohh my soul emotional drama for days, it takes 6 plasters, ice packs, pillows you name it just for one scratch to be healed… Then comes child 2, this one I don’t even know where to start I have to pray for extra patience at least 4 times a day…also self centered and very demanding, we have plates flying around if it’s not the food she wants or resorts to hitting, biting, throwing ones self on the floor to get her way… Honestly there is times I want to phone the hospital to double check who gave birth the same time as me and check those kids if any are mine cause this one can’t really be mine (Craig’s yes definitely but not mine) ???????? Then comes child three you would think God would have been like no shame Marcia I see how you struggle I’ll lighten your load, no he clearly has more faith in what load I can take cause number 3 takes the cake at only 10 months old this child brings the whole house to its knees… honestly she screams so loud am scared the Neighbour’s are going to call social services… again the trait of self centered and demanding passing through this one…

I wake up every morning saying today I’ll be a better mom, today I’ll shout less and you know what by 7:30am like today we had full on world war three just to wash and brush hair, there was threats of thinking steps, then threats that mice will make nests in your hair (don’t even comment as far as you know mice like dirty hair to make their homes in ????) by the time it was 9am I sat in the nurses office for Mattea’s vaccine I felt like going to bed really… My hair is in a bun unwashed just smoothed on the top to give the appearance of being brushed but take that bun out and poof hello Tina turner ???, I am wearing an old tracksuit, unmatched underwear and no make.. That’s me cause after my children are all groomed and hair brushed and looking like GAP models I have now 10 minutes to get ready and be out of the house to the next appointment…and then I start to think ahhh why exactly do I stay home, what’s my purpose…

Throughout the years I have wanted to start up small projects but my biggest enemy is fear and I think fear of failure mainly so this has always stopped me from trying things or putting myself out there… but last month I was brave I thought let me try enter the blog awards and when I didn’t win it was hard… I have this one friend who just takes life as it comes and always tries new things and puts her self out there and meets the most amazing people and does the most amazing things and I really admire her zest for life and always think I want to be more like that…!!! So I tried and then I didn’t win then the spiral starts, you look at what other mom bloggers are doing and what you do and then I become self critical from there it’s a downward spiral…That’s another problem I have… first is fear, second is comparing…. but that’s when I pick up the phone and text my family (this definitely includes my sister in law who is actually more my sister than Craigs hee hee) and close friends and really am wondering why I do it cause they don’t enable my sorrow and buy me chocolates and endulge my self pity… These are a group of tell you as it is women… They don’t feed my ego and stroke my wounds.. Instead they present me with the realistic facts, question the exact problem then start looking for solutions… In a nut shell they the “ohh sorry, don’t be so hard on yourself Marcia, but now pick up your shit, suck it up and lets move on..!” Send you a motivational qoute to reflect on…..They are what’s the way forward kind of family not dwelling on problems, No tears toilet paper is expensive kind of family ???? My one cousin I’ll text and say it’s a crisis please read my message will say ok will read and revert back to you ASAP ?????? Celeste is even worse she actually says let’s run then we can talk about it, you need to exercise it will make you feel better… honestly doughnuts make people feel better not exercise ???? Then Beth will remind me that this isn’t a good enough excuse to visit KFC but then buy me stationary so I can plan my goals better ha ha ha ha…Or Maita will say come over don’t bring anything lets just let our kids play and we can catch up, and then her calm voice becomes my calm….Or Layle will list all my good points and say focus on that rather…

But you know what it’s exactly what I need… These tribe of women hold me when I have no strength to hold myself up… and so after what was a down period I see some light and  am trying to work on some plans and trying not to let fear stop me… But that brings me to this activity we made volcanos, Maya reckoned she was tired of Mini Matisse art stuff and wanted to do something other than paint so we tried science….. This is actually one of my favorite things we have done so far cause it’s really like my brain honestly, its exactly how there is a million things going on in there all festering till I have an emotional spill out ????

This is what you need to see how my brain works:

* 3-4 Tablespoons of Bicarbonate of soda

* 1 cup Vinegar

* 1 Tablespoon of Dish Washing Liquid

* Water

* See through cup so you can see the reaction

* Dala liquid tempera paint for colour

* Glitter cause you know my brainit’s filled with fabulous and what’s more fabulous than glitter

* Spoon

This is how to activate my volcano brain:

* Fill the cup half way with water

* Add bicarbonate of soda and mix with spoon

* Add dish washing liquid and mix well again

* Add squirts of paint as many colors as you want (don’t mix it cause the colours will just mush to brown)

* Add glitter

* Then pour the vinegar and watch the eruption happen… Word of warning it’s best done out side but it kills the grass ????????

* You can add more bicarbonate and vinegar into the same cup to keep the same reaction going…Also these amounts are guidelines we used way more than above you know us more is more ha ha ha..

We loved it so much we took our volcano show on the road ha ha ha ha…. When we got invited for a play date and since I don’t cook so well I opted to bring the volcano experiment…. The kids loved this experiment…I actually now want to put more science based activities in our activities, but like our volcanoes there will be colour or sparkles or both ha ha ha ha… And we need to make more play dates like this, these kids talk about volcanoes connecting or erupting not the basic vocabulary my kids use, they need some higher level thinking friends ha ha ha ha….No seriously some kids just bring out something good in your kids and that’s what am grateful for….

Thats my life folks as chaotic as it is its never dull… I am still figuring it out and working on my flaws and hoping that am raising well adjusted, kind, loving, God fearing, genius kids… Maybe just maybe kid 1’s emotional detachment issues mean she will be a great and famous surgeon as she can tune out everything and focus on the on the job at hand, and kid 2’s my way or the high way means she will be a great leader, a president even, maybe a dictator but a leader non the less ha ha ha ha, as for kid 3 I am sure she will win a noble prize cause if anyone can get Craig to jump to their tune then they are definitely destined for big things ha ha ha ha….

So I have no great and wise words on how to fix a slump really my mind is still very much a work in progress.. I just have to have faith that for now am exactly where I am meant to be and trust my path… Ill work on fighting fear and ill keep my eyes on my path and not compare….and if I fall, well if I fall I know it will be ok cause the tribe is behind me ready to help me up without tissues or doughnuts ????… My girls, my prayer for you is to be blessed with a great tribe of women just like mine…. Ladies you know who you are I love you to the moon and back… Thank you for always having my back…To my new friends if you have any dark days know there is a mom who admires what you doing and how you balance work and motherhood xxx

All my love